Schooling Apart or Drifting Apart: Your Choice!
The long life lived internationally, observing countless married couples, reveals a striking pattern: nearly every couple has experienced extramarital affairs, one-night stands, casual sex or secret lovers and admirers, encompassing both husband and wife. This pervasive phenomenon raises a profound question: what has gone wrong with marriages or with people themselves, prompting a deeper exploration into Dharma and Kama (desires).
This article is not intended for Brahmachari Yogi or Sanyasi. However, it will be profoundly beneficial for Yogi and Vairagi who are living or planning to embrace worldly life, including marriage and parenthood.
Delving into the subject through the study of nine Dharma Smritis, seven Dharma Shastras, and the Kama Shastra, such as the Kamasutra and Kokkoka Shastra, a few things become clear about the world today:
Before marriage, young men and women never receive formal education in Kama Shastra and Dharma Shastra, neither in theory nor in practice. Their understanding is shaped by the ignorant guidance of parents and relatives, focusing on societal expectations, acceptances and taboos rather than faithful Dharma & technical Kama Shastra.
The taboo surrounding premarital sex, despite its potential educational value in understanding one's own body and others' bodies, is driven by the fear of unwanted pregnancy. This fear persists because men are not taught practical techniques such as semen retention and external ejaculation to prevent pregnancy and mental control to hold. Still, there is plastic & gel solutions.
Despite social taboos, some men often legitimately engage with multiple girls/women, married or unmarried, gaining some experience, confidence, and understanding of their sexual drives and tendencies. However, this informal education about women's bodies and existence remains incomplete and superficial compared to the comprehensive insights that could be obtained through proper study of Kama Shastras and Dharma Shastras.
If girls/young women engage in premarital sex, there is an overwhelming concern for their safety and security. Yet, if some manage to do so, society and parents often react by ostracising or psychologically harming these young women. How, then, can girls be expected to learn about men's bodies, their physiological and psychological workings, and to understand their own bodies—their limits, inhibitions, boundaries, likes, and dislikes—in this process? Is pornography an appropriate means to teach physical pleasure and intimacy? If you believe so, consider reading another article, "Maithuna vs. Sex."
More than half of the world's total female population rarely experiences orgasm. Did we ever question why? Read the report here.
If a girl is too shy or overly controlled or is career/studies focused and remains "uneducated" about her body, men's bodies, and the entire science of pleasure, she may enter marriage without the essential knowledge of intimacy and Art & Science of Love-Making. According to the Kama Sutras, it is the husband's responsibility to teach his wife the art and science of lovemaking if she has not already learned it. This education should be gradual, taking anywhere from six to eighteen months, and the husband must proceed slowly, never rushing the process. However, boys/young men are never formally educated through the Dharma Shastras and Kama Shastra; no one informs them of this responsibility. Consequently, they remain unaware of their role in this crucial aspect of marital life.
First Night of the married couple starts with lack of education, empathy & Dharma!
The ramifications can be profound, potentially leaving both husband and wife isolated on emotional islands for extended periods. The bitterness stemming from this ignorance may permeate their daily interactions, with the wife harbouring silent apprehensions, perhaps even secretly dreading the onset of each night. Meanwhile, the husband might find himself questioning the suitability of his spouse, lamenting her lack of awareness in matters of intimacy. Both may wish bed was used for some other purpose!
Alright let's continue.
Imagine a young man who is shy, reserved, or intensely focused on his studies or career, having never engaged in premarital sex and now entering marriage. If his wife is not mature enough to give him the necessary time and space, he may struggle to gain confidence or acquire the nuanced art and science of love, which, according to the Kama Shastra, is now her responsibility. However, just like men, women are seldom informed about such duties in a Dharmic context. If neither partner has prior experience with intimacy, they might be able to navigate and explore together, allowing their relationship to unfold naturally.
Consider a scenario where a young man and woman entering marriage have both engaged in premarital sex. While they may possess some practical knowledge of intimacy, they lack a formal educational understanding of the "Science and Art of Intimacy," including the diversity of sizes and types of organs and bodies. As a result, they may struggle to fully satisfy each other after marriage, potentially yielding to societal pressures while silently grieving and yearning for deeper fulfilment. And such a situation may go on for months, years before they find the breakthrough. Same is the case with love marriages, where intimacy dies sooner than later. The Kama Shastras offer comprehensive teachings on satisfying partners of varying body types, with specific guidance on postures tailored to different genital sizes and depths, among other nuances. It also teaches about keeping the spark, the intensity, the intimacy alive for decades. In contrast, pornography stands nowhere in imparting such profound insights.
Thus begins the "desire (Kama)" for someone else, something else, perhaps a deeper, more wholistic fulfilment.
The Science and Art of Intimacy, as elucidated in the Kama Shastras, is a profound guide that equips individuals to satisfy their spouse deeply and sustain intimacy over decades. It imparts invaluable wisdom on nurturing a lasting connection that transcends mere physicality, ensuring that both partners never feel the urge to seek fulfilment elsewhere. This ancient knowledge fosters the ability to kindle and maintain the spark of intimacy authentically, without resorting to superficial methods, objects, or fleeting ideas.
The Kama Shastra not only delves into the intricacies of physical intimacy but also imparts profound wisdom on the art of sustaining marriage. Meanwhile, the Dharma Shastra provides comprehensive teachings on the principles of marriage, encompassing the ethical considerations of Dharma (righteousness) and Adharma (wrongdoing) that govern myriad decisions, intentions, and actions within marital life. Together, these ancient texts offer a holistic framework for navigating the complexities of married life, fostering harmony, mutual respect, and enduring fulfilment.
Now, the question comes, when & where will a couple practice such things mentioned in Kama Shastras?
We have relinquished the profound cultural institution of Gurukula, where children of 5 to 7 years old were sent by their parents and returned as young adults, thoroughly educated in all essential facets of life. In Gurukula, education extended beyond mere academic learning; it encompassed Vedic sciences, yoga, and meditation, instilling profound Sanskara (values) that modern-day parents struggle to impart. Even in ancient times, many parents could not provide comprehensive education tailored to their children's innate tendencies and temperaments (Vrittis). Gurukula ensured every student received a holistic education, equipping them with skills, knowledge, and moral/Dharmic integrity essential for success in worldly life, whether as a householder, ascetic, or scholar proficient in the arts of intimacy, as expounded in the Kama Shastras.
Until the 1700s, India boasted a staggering 750,000 Gurukula schools, colleges and universities spread across its expanse. These institutions were not only centres of profound learning but also served as homes to vast numbers of national and international students, with some accommodating over 15,000 residents. Each Gurukula was presided over by revered Acharyas and Gurus, numbering more than 4,000 in some universities. These institutions were epicentres of knowledge and wisdom, fostering an environment where education transcended mere academics to encompass spiritual growth, moral development, and the mastery of ancient sciences and arts.There is an insightful book by "Sahana Singh - The educational heritage of Ancient India" which explains all about such educational institutions and educational system. It's a must read for anyone! Sahana Singh has explained a lot about all this on our Dharma Dialogues Podcast as well, here is the link if you would like to learn more "The Podcast.
Children stayed at Gurukula the whole time except on holidays or occasional visits to home.
In the past through Gurukula Ashram Based System, parents/couples enjoyed ample free time to nurture their intimacy, explore new pursuits together to remove boredom, engage in enriching activities, and contribute generously to society. They could afford to provide education at all levels, including sending their children to Gurukula and fostering a supportive environment for healthy relationships. This system enabled people to lead fulfilling lives dedicated to their work, hobbies, and societal contributions, resulting in high happiness and productivity.
In contrast, today's modern social framework presents continuous challenges throughout life. Many individuals struggle with dissatisfaction in relationships, work, and financial stability, leading to reduced productivity, early onset of health issues, and a prevalent rise in mental health disorders, substance abuse, and alcoholism. This modern condition fosters a pervasive sense of neurosis among individuals, highlighting a stark contrast to the harmonious and productive societal dynamics of the past.
Today, it's hard for men & women to pursue careers, further studies, or do social work or Dharma work because they have children living with them all the time. Some parents opt for boarding schools, which may be of some relief if the couples use the time wisely in the absence of children. However, these boarding schools still have a long way to go regarding holistic education and Dharmic values. The rising cost of education makes it nearly impossible to afford boarding schools.
In the modern era, many married couples find it challenging to prioritise intimate moments. The demands of daily life often leave them with little mental or physical energy. Even when they have the power, the timing may need to be shuffled due to the presence of children or the constraints of smaller living spaces and houses. By the time children are adults, wife & husband may not look visually that appealing to each other or may not have left with any sexual energy or focus for themselves or their relationship.
Only some brilliant ones can carve out some time for intimate pursuits, that too with perfect timing and matched intentions. At times, only one partner has the time, energy & inclination, and when they are constantly pushed away by the other, then they seek intimacy, love, lust, bonding, and connection outside their marriage and end up having an extra-marital affair, or casual sex, or few night-stands which when are exposed, causes friction in the marriage, or becomes the reason for Divorce.
However, from the Dharma Shastra's standpoint, fulfilling your needs outside marriage is permitted if your partner does not meet them due to physical or psychological inabilities or dislikes or if they are a substance abuser, alcoholic, diseased, or are traveller, living far away, frequently absent for long duration, or have become Vairagi or distant from you and are not interested in you due to any reason. There is no need to be guilty about it. Extra Marital is NOT a SIN!
Marital Rape is a SIN (Paap) as per Dharma Shastra. You cannot have anyone without their consent!
Hence before taking such a drastic steps, one must definitely ponder what is lacking, what one can do to fix it, and whether it's fixable or not. Only after careful evaluation of the situations, one should venture outside the marriage.
As per Dharma Shastras you should not break your marriage (VIVAH), only because your intimate needs are not being met. Because VIVAH or Marriage is a GRAND SOCIAL CONCEPT for balancing the Cosmos, establishing Dharma, providing to different Ashram systems (Brahmacharya, Sanyasa, Vanaprastha) and progeny in the world. Grihasta Ashram which mostly has married people is the MOST IMPORTANT system and is the "provider" for all the other three Ashrams. Hence it's perfectly Dharmic to meet your needs elsewhere through someone else without breaking the Vivah.
However, if the other partner doesn't want to live with you for whatever reason and all attempts to maintain the relationship or the marriage have failed, then it's Dharmic to free each other yet take care of the children, be responsible for children in every way, and divide assets and liabilities in a dharmic way. Holding each other HOSTAGE in the name of saving your marriage or kids, or fears & insecurities, Raga/Attachments or Revenge is ADHARMA!
PROLONGED RAGA: The Chains of Attachment
Children living with parents have caused another issue: Parents become overly attached to their children, and their Raga(Attachment) sometimes takes a nasty form and they forget or ignore their spouse. At times when children are not enough, they even buy designer dogs or pets and become attached to them as well. It becomes harder for parents to prepare themselves for their old age or transition to Vanaprastha Ashram or Sanyasa Ashram with good health. In a way, they even forget that in a couple of decades, they will be retiring and doing Dharma work and their Spiritual Practices only. They fail to take care of their health amidst all the chaos. Raga (Attachments) deplete the energy and cause serious decline in health. They also become overly controlling and connected to their grandchildren.
In contrast, if children lived and studied at Gurukula, parents would be liberated from attachments (Raga) earlier in life. This freedom would grant them ample time and mental energy to focus on their health, engage in yoga and exercise, and dedicate efforts to their overall well-being.
Declined physical & mental health and diseases are a major issue in not being able to pursue Dharmic & Spiritual Life in the later years.
Conclusion
Here we have explored the profound societal shifts from ancient to modern times, mainly focusing on the impact of the loss of the Gurukula based education system on marital relationships (Grihasta Ashram). The Gurukula, with its holistic educational approach, not only equipped individuals with practical knowledge but also imbued them with deep spiritual and moral/Dharmic values through Dharma Shastras & Kama Shastras. This foundation fostered healthy relationships, solid marital bonds, and a well-balanced societal structure.
In stark contrast, today's fragmented and fast-paced society has eroded these foundational supports, leading to widespread dissatisfaction in relationships, increased extramarital affairs, and overall emotional turmoil, yet increased Raga (Attachments) manifold. The lack of comprehensive education on intimacy and the principles of Dharma, as provided by the Kama Shastra and Dharma Shastra, leaves modern couples needing to be equipped to navigate the complexities of marriage.
Revisiting the principles and values of the Gurukula system holds the potential to foster healthier, more fulfilling relationships. By integrating these ancient teachings into contemporary education and societal norms, we can aspire to rebuild the supportive framework that once nurtured strong marriages and, by extension, a more harmonious and productive society.
Jai Shivay
~ Prakriti
REFERENCES
9 DHARMASMRITIS & 7 DHARMASUTRAS
# | Dharma Sūtras | Corresponding Smṛtis |
1 | Gautama Dharma Sūtra | Manusmṛti, Nārada Smṛti |
2 | Baudhāyana Dharma Sūtra | Manusmṛti, Viṣṇu Smṛti |
3 | Āpastamba Dharma Sūtra | Manusmṛti, Yagyavalakya Smṛti |
4 | Hiraṇyakeśin Dharma Sūtra | Manusmṛti, Nārada Smṛti |
5 | Vasiṣṭha Dharma Sūtra | Manusmṛti, Bṛhaspati Smṛti, Kātyāyana Smṛti |
6 | Viṣṇu Dharma Sūtra | Manusmṛti, Viṣṇu Smṛti |
7 | Śaṅkha Dharma Sūtra | Manusmṛti, Yājñavalkya Smṛti |
KAMASUTRA
Kamasutra of Vatsyayana
Author: Vatsyayana
Date: Estimated to have been composed between the 3rd and 5th centuries CE.
Language: Sanskrit
Sections: Divided into seven parts (Adhikaranas), covering topics ranging from sexual positions (Sthanas) to the nature of women (Stri-lakshana).
Purpose: Provides guidance on the art of living and lovemaking, with emphasis on pleasure, intimacy, and relationships.
Jayamangala Commentary
Author: Yashodhara
Date: 13th century CE
Language: Sanskrit
Purpose: An extensive commentary on the Kamasutra, providing explanations, interpretations, and elaborations on Vatsyayana's original text.
Bhānumati Commentary
Author: Bhikshu Padmashri
Date: 16th century CE
Language: Sanskrit
Purpose: Another important commentary on the Kamasutra, focusing on philosophical and ethical aspects, as well as practical advice on sexual behavior.
Kandarpachudmani
Author: King Kshemendra
Date: 11th century CE
Language: Sanskrit
Purpose: A poetic retelling and interpretation of the Kamasutra, emphasizing the romantic and erotic aspects of the original text.
Smara Pradīpika
Author: Sricandra Vidyarnava
Date: 20th century CE
Language: Sanskrit
Purpose: A modern commentary on the Kamasutra, synthesizing traditional teachings with contemporary interpretations and insights.
KOKKOKA SHASTRA
Ratirahasya
Author: Kokkoka
Date: Estimated to have been composed around the 13th to 15th centuries CE.
Language: Sanskrit
Sections: Divided into chapters (Adhikaranas), covering topics such as types of women (Stri-lakshana), sexual positions (Sthanas), and techniques of love-making.
Purpose: Provides detailed instructions and advice on sexual pleasure, intimacy, and relationships, similar to the Kamasutra but with a different emphasis and style.
Panchasayaka
Author: Unknown (attributed to Kokkoka)
Date: Similar period as Ratirahasya, medieval era.
Language: Sanskrit
Purpose: Another collection of erotic writings attributed to Kokkoka, focusing on various aspects of human sexual behavior and relationships.
Jayamangala Commentary (on Ratirahasya)
Author: Yashodhara
Date: 13th century CE
Language: Sanskrit
Purpose: An important commentary on Ratirahasya, providing explanations, interpretations, and insights into the teachings of Kokkoka regarding sexual practices and relationships.
Bhānumati Commentary (on Ratirahasya)
Author: Bhikshu Padmashri
Date: 16th century CE
Language: Sanskrit
Purpose: A significant commentary on Ratirahasya, focusing on philosophical and ethical aspects, as well as practical advice on sexual behavior, similar to the commentaries on the Kamasutra.